PERFORMING THE CLARKSON CLONK TEST

Before getting started it's worth noting that "Clonking" is a physical activity and as such you should limber up to a certain degree. Don't get us wrong, you don't want to go overboard with this, if it were that exerting then Clarkson would never have invented it. Nevertheless a warm up is advised. We recommend a quick rant before getting started so close you eyes and think of this:

It's morning and you're late for work, only a little late though, you can probably make up the time as long as the lights are on your side and you don't get stuck behind a bus. To be honest you're really not too bothered, you're late but you're relaxed about it. But what's this? Is it? Can it be? Please god NO! Blocking your path is a herd, nay, a phalanx of gigantic shiny clean off road vehicles. Your first reaction is that some heavy duty CIA style action must be kicking off, perhaps some strange diplomatic detour of some kind. But then you look deep into the hearts of these behemoths and there you see the truth: Moms. And children. And they're queuing to get through a school gate that's too narrow for the Hummer that's at the head of the pack. They're not going anywhere fast, you're not going anywhere fast and you've run out of cigarettes. Have you got that thought in your head? Good. Now open your eyes and start screaming and shouting about them while hopping around the room for five minutes. Feeling warmed up? Good, then let us begin...

Fig 1. Starting at A approach C* along path B

Fig 2. Convert open hand D into fist E**

Fig 3. Pause***

Fig 4. Swing E downwards†

Fig 5. Strike C with E††

* First find a target car to do The Clarkson Clonk Test on. Ideally this should be your own car or at least one that you know the owner of. Clonk testing strangers' cars can be dangerous to your health as few people appreciate having their metal carriages tampered with by strangers. If you must prey on a random car it is advised to do it in the dead of night. Be warned though because this may make you look even more like a thief who hasn't got a clue, much like the bastards that wrecked the lock on my old Nova with a screwdriver when a coat hanger would have popped the lock in a fraction of the time. But that would have taken skill wouldn't it you bloody retards!

** In this age of "New Man" and the "Metrosexual" it is worth mentioning that a fist is what happens when you fold up the fingers on your hand into a tight ball. Be sure when you do this to make sure that you don't fold your fingers over your thumb because this will make you look like a stupid head. Also, if your are tampering with someone else's vehicle and the owner approaches at any point in the process from now on you may need to punch them; if you punch them with your thumb inside your fingers then your break your thumb and you will end up looking like a total noggin rather than Brad Pitt in Fight Club. Although it must be said that if you're confronted with an absolute ox of a man then breaking your thumb like some upper class berk might well be your best form of defence - hopefully the titan will roll around laughing at you rather than ripping your head off with his little finger.

*** Now that you're next to the target machine and you have yourself a fist to wield it is time to pause and check your stance. Stand close to the wing of the vehicle with your feet apart, you do not want to overstretch yourself and become unbalanced in the next phase of the process. Falling onto a car that you are trying to clonk is possibly the most gormless thing that you can ever do, only purchasing a Volkswagen first hand rates higher. Actually, there are probably lots of things that demonstrate and equal lack of gorm but this is neither the time nor the place to list them. Suffice to say that overbalancing and falling onto the wing of a car is a bloody stupid thing to do and must be avoided at all costs. Now, with your footing correct it is time to raise your arm above the wing of the vehicle.

† Keeping you fist well formed bring it down towards the wing of the vehicle in a smooth sweeping motion. In fact, to ensure a good contact with the target you might want to do a few practice swings, which will also give you an opportunity to check your stance one last time.

†† As your knuckles wrap on the wing use your ears to listen to the sound. Remember, everything else could be done by a machine - perhaps those frolicsome robot arms that have so much fun the Citroën Picasso advert, although they would need some kind of latex hand attachment otherwise it would be metal on metal and that would be all wrong. The car would get scuffed too. But listen carefully, is it a good sound; is it firm and low, deep and not too resonant. Or does it sound like a tin can being hit by a projectile from a peashooter, a pea for instance. Now is the time to judge that motor.